Things I Would Rather Do Today Than Go to the Gym

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I need to go to the gym.

I need to go to the gym because I haven’t since before I hurt my arm, and it’s been healed for over a month. I’ve been losing weight in some areas, which I’ve used to tricked myself into thinking that working out is actually what makes me bigger. This is a lie. I am just losing muscle mass. I know this.

I need to go to the gym because last night I got high and drank ciders and Reid ordered Domino’s at midnight and they have a thing called Bacon Jalapeño Cheesy Bread, which I dipped in ranch and marinara and garlic sauce, and got so full that I fell asleep face down on the couch and missed the end of Housebound, and now I have a stomach ache

I need to go to the gym because in the last two years I have become extremely aware of any fat around my jawline and chin, to the extent that accidentally opening my selfie camera can ruin a good chunk of my day.

I need to go to the gym because when I told Alex about the fried chicken burrito I ate the other day he told me that he knows of young people who have died from heart disease. I also read an article the other day in Real Simple magazine (which I shamelessly subscribed to via a $5 Groupon as a way to manifest organization in my life) that drinking increases your risk of breast cancer. I love alcohol, boobs and not having cancer, so I need to keep my body otherwise healthy in order to have peace of mind.

I need to go to the gym because just wearing leggings and putting my hair in a ponytail makes me feel so confident and empowered to be “one of those girls” that I actually feel like a better person.

Here are just some of the things I’d rather do today than go to the gym:

1. Order Chinese food from the mediocre, stingy place by my apartment that only includes one duck sauce per meal

2. See how nice of a day it is outside, feel guilty about staying in, then take a nap

3. Look at pictures of the Paramus Park mall online

4. Clean each cat litter box, wait for one of the cats to poop, and clean it again

5. Get a pickle from Anthony’s Deli. This could take up the whole day

6. Watch my boyfriend watch NFL Red Zone and have one-sided conversations with him about what’s going on.
“Why do they call it Red Zone?”
“Because…………it’s only games that are in the Red Zone.”
“Is that where the stuff happens?”
“…………………Yeah.”

7. Finally watch that recording of Back to the Future 3 that I’ve had on my DVR for 3 months (I can’t actually do this because football)

8. Clean out my fridge. By eating everything.

9. Browse through all my old magazines and decide which ones to recycle

10. Put together my Halloween costume while watching horror movies

11. Read the entire Wikipedia page about the life and work of Wes Craven

12. Listen to EDM, both ironically and unironically

13. Watch fail vids and Ru Paul’s Drag Race on Reid’s couch

14. Potentially order more of that jalapeño bacon cheesy bread, tbh

15. Look at pictures from my past and be like “dag, yo”

16. Go to Vanessa’s Dumplings and order 6 things pretending I’m taking it all home to share with a group even though I’m totally, totally not.

17. Figure out how to get that thin layer of water and soap residue out of my kitchen sink

18. Figure out a budget to afford a cleaning lady

19. Talk about the two nightmares I had last night (One: that I had a pet ferret who turned into a bleeding snake. Two: I was having a party and there was a problem with the music)

20. Clean out my makeup case by trying on every product I own and deciding which things I don’t like anymore. And perhaps discovering a lip gloss I forgot existed!

21. Lint roll the cat hair off of my Pikachu stuffed animal

22. Lay on a couch and describe tattoos I want while Hannah draws pictures of them

23. Make Photoshop art of a cat on a beach wearing a pair of Umbro shorts and drinking a mai tai

24. Do acid?

25. HGTV

26. Paint my nails, presumably with a color I found during my makeup case cleanout sesh

27. Give my toilet bowl a deep scrub (I really like a clean house)

28. Come up with a dance routine and teach it to my friends, film it, put it on Youtube, instant viral video

30. Burrito

31. Send these free postcards I got from the Sierra Club to people I care about

32. Oo! Planning my Christmas card!

33. Try to make a recipe using only the ingredients I have in my cupboard, fuck it up, eat it anyway, and make a huge mess

34. Netflix and Chill

35. Get a tattoo that says Netflix and Chill

36. Call the Chinese food place and find out once and for all why they are so stingy with their sauces

37. Margaritas!

38. Remember that Snapchat exists, then Snapchat every 5 minutes of the day, then forget again

39. Look up how to clean an oven, then definitely not do that.

40. Watch iconic Celine Dion performances on Youtube

41. Livetweet Titanic

42. Do a thorough pass of all my social media profiles to make sure they are perfectly curated

43: Watch this video on loop http://frankenfemme.tumblr.com/post/129033519794/cubik808-willlaren-this-performance-art

44. Make a list of the best fashion montages in movies, then watch them all

45. Call my parents, which I definitely should do right now ugh why do I keep forgetting to do that??

46. Go to the dog park and look at other people’s dogs and think about how sad I am that my apartment is too small to have a dog

47. Look at Kos n Gonny and think about how no cat could ever possibly compete with their beauty and adorableness. Adorability? Kiss them 100 times.

48. Put on some uplifting music and some workout clothes and pretend I am in a pivotal transformation scene but only do dance moves that require very little physical effort, like the cabbage patch.

49. Quote the entire Sex and the City Movie from start to finish

50. This.

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It’s The Little Swags

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When I feel like I haven’t done anything blog-worthy in recent history, I usually like to go through the photos on my phone and figure out what exactly I have been doing. According to the last month’s worth of jpegs, 98% of it has been taking pictures of my butt. The rest showed a series of small joys in a phase defined solely by my work schedule and my lack of energy to do anything else (not a great feeling).
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I wonder if 24 is the last acceptable year for one’s greatest pleasure to be trans fats before they’re to be held accountable for their assumed knowledge of basic health and dietary standards. Possibly. There’s some obvious irony in the fact that I was a vegetarian for 4 years and even worked at a health food store, and that now if it doesn’t come in a box with a side of ketchup I’m probably not that stoked to eat it. I have a lot of theories about the correlation between poor nutrition as a novelty and the listless anti-intellectualism in post-“yes we can” America but I won’t get into that. Maybe someday I’ll write a book called The Politics of Dietary Yoloing. Anyway, I eat Mcdonalds. And I recently had a Slim Jim for the first time since senior year of high school and I could swear I saw God’s vagina. My mother also sent me a gigantic box of Welch’s Fruit Snacks, something I used to refuse to eat due to their gelatin content, but it turns out they’re pretty delicious. What is wrong with me? Is out of sight, out of mind my new food philosophy? Have I become so distracted with the stresses of the workday that my only emotional release is in the consumption of animal byproduct and MSG? There’s a reason Meat Cat came to Liz Lemon in a dream.
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Since all my friends here have similar schedules, sometimes we don’t see each other for a while. The glory of social media has allowed many of my most treasured interactions to be with people hundreds of miles away, like writing with Alex over google hangout, texting Patrick about our post-ironic suburban ex-pat suicidal tendencies, or getting snapchats from my favorite friend I’ve never met Patrickthepuma (what’s his real name again?)

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When I’m bored and alone and have no one to textflirt with (which hasn’t been the case for a few weeks now, in the interest of Minimum Disclosure) sometimes I check my Ok Cupid messages, but I rarely find anything more romantically viable than interactions like these.

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If Dating Site Humor is something that strikes yer fancy, you should check out my cool friend Matt Starr’s Tinder Art. I actually met him on the app when he offered to make me a new profile picture for Facebook, that ended up looking like this.

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The art I’ve been working on has been a performance project called Morale and Survival, where I attempt to find a will to live in sporadic sobriety and mid-week overcaffeination. It’s hardly worked, so I’ve been finding external pleasures like this screenshot collage I made in the middle of the night of one of my depressing tweets, and ordering chicken and waffles at work.

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Since I usually try to write about partying and how much fun I’m constantly having, we can’t forget about Halloween. As usual, I was unprepared for the celebration, sitting on a set of half-baked costume ideas. That was, until the day before when I was wandering through Party Fair at closing time and found this gem for 14.99. A sign from the pimp gods, just for me. I would greet the world on Hallow’s Eve as a manifestation of Swag (pictured at top). Timely, appropriate, and with much reusability. Hannah’s last minute idea was Xtina circa the Dirrrty video, and with the help of my bronzer and a Juicy Couture bathing suit skirt I got a Belk’s in 2008 (idkkkk??) I think she pulled it off quite nicely. As it was a weeknight, the plan was to be home before 2 am. I actually was, but because I hadn’t been drinking for a few weeks I was also blackout. Hannah had to tuck me in bed and set my alarms for me, and the following workday was not a pretty picture whatsoever.
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Perhaps it was my consistent high stress level or the unplanned drunkenness but the next week I was consumed with an ear ache and a high fever for three days. I went to an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist who removed hard rocks of wax from my ear and gave me a Nasonex prescription before sending me home with a fever of 101. There is nothing I hate more than trying to traverse this city alone with an illness, then returning home to work remotely while trying not to barf on my compy. My only pleasures that week were in the wonton soup delivery from Shen Zhou, and the Papa John’s pizza sent to me by my friend Sawyer, all the way from NC. In Grub We Trust, y’all.
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Earlier this week, in celebration of the end of mercury retrograde and my dedication to spending the next year of my life in pursuit of my ~true passions~, I decided to get a pretty and kind of stupid tattoo (In the words of John Waters, sometimes stupid and cute /are/ enough). I went with Hannah to Morning Star tattoo on Wyckoff in Bushwick, where the metal is good (if you’re into that sort of thing) and the boys are rly rly cute. I got the letters “nsfw” for obvious reasons, and Hannah got some script in French that she has yet to instagram because idk y.
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That brings me to a total of three tattoos: a cat, “whatever,” and “nsfw.” And sitting here typing this at my office desk, I don’t think they could be more accurate.

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THE UGH OLYMPICS

You know, sometimes I think I don’t want to blog, ’cause I’m all like “man, this is so hard and difficult and complicated.” There’s some jpegs and basic html involved. I have to type with my outgrown manicure which has barely gotten easier over time. I have to hit “save draft” regularly so I don’t lose my “work.” It’s basically exercise.

I think I’m just feeling stressed because something is wrong with my kidney again (last time this happened I went to the hospital and vomited all over an old woman in the waiting room, lol), and because I’m coming down with some kind of weird summer cold, AND because…this past weekend was rly hella stu.

It actually started two weekends ago with a really fun but really destructive set of events involving Brenmar at 285 Kent where I stayed up until 6 throwing shade at Williamsburg only to wake up there bleary eyed and pants-less the next day; Machinedrum at some random warehouse that I walked to alone in like .3 of an item of clothing,  something I’m starting to get really used to; and a day at the beach with 7 boys, 2 blunts and 1 warm bottle of Bacardi. I spent all day Monday in bed detoxing, and by Tuesday night we were back out again for Le1f’s show at Westgay. Patrick flirted with some dudes wearing blazers (???) to get free drinks and pass them off to me, so that I could prance around drunkenly and see if any of my new NY friends remembered my name.

(officially only wearing bras as tops from now on. also it’s really hard to take a picture of your own outfit. fuck it)

The next night we chugged Four Lokos and did finger dips with the rats in Washington Square Park before ghe20 g0th1k. I started a tab at the bar and spent 40 dollars of my rent money on double gin and tonics when I was already wasted! I flirted with every girl I saw and was met with pure, unadulterated shade from every one! I met Solange Knowles who, non-plussed and dipped in salt, was there for reasons neither she nor I understood. I WAS LIVING THE FAB LIFE. NO ONE COULD STOP ME.

(how do you guys feel about all the gpoys? are you sick of me yet? hope so.)

And then the weekend happened. We kicked it off with Aaron’s birthday celebration where, Peach Four Loko in hand, I was prepared to have the time of my life. By the time the can was empty I had successfully become inappropriate and obnoxious, just in time for 12 cops to ransack the place, arrest two of my friends and give everyone trespassing tickets for being on the roof next door.

(here i am in a state of shock after my friends got arrested and i had to wander home wasted rapping Fabolous to myself)

(here i am posing with my trespassing ticket and Da Diva Miss Gonny. the tissue is because i have tuberculosis. you may recognize my BRITNEY: TOXIC shirt from last year’s mugshot.)

After spending the next morning in a typhoon of my own alcoholism-induced drama all I wanted to do was…get drunk again. I woke myself up at 11:30 to go to the Bushwick Block Party down the street from my house and waited in line alone in the rain to get free pizza. I was super bummed out in the wake of the previous night and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to eat my feelings. When that was done and I took another nap, I pulled my unshowered ass into my Slutty Miami Bridesmaid strapless dress and pulled my trampy, greasy hair back with as little effort as possible. After all, I was going to Hotel Chantelle, a place I have already come to abhor with a passion in just my two months here. But invited by my new friend James (who has to be one of the only attractive regulars at HC) with the promise of vodka and whiskey, I figured I might as well pop in to pregame. To call it the mistake of the century would be a gross understatement.

(i’m just trying to be quietly fabulous and listen to 80s music without killing anyone. why you gotta go and fuck that up?)

Moe and I were casually waiting for the bathroom when some guy I’ve never seen comes OUT of the restroom, accuses us of cutting the line and refuses to let me pee.  In a grand gesture of misogynistic vigilantism, he bars the door and starts calling me a bitch and a cunt on repeat for about five minutes. Naturally, my response was to say “? DA FUCK?” and promptly poured my drink on him. Before I knew what happened, the dude had taken his glass and slammed it into the side of my face, leaving what is now a small gash and a swollen jaw. I got punched by a dude that looked like Alexis Mateo from Ru Paul out of drag wearing an Affliction T-Shirt and a FUCKING VEST. Are you kidding me? I was so in shock that rather than beating the mother fucking shit out of his ass, I just stood there holding my face laughing and crying. Clearly at that point my friends had no choice but to take me to the nearest Popeye’s for some soul food. I served one last hair flip and ate my feelings for the second time in a day. I’m not sure if the cut on my chin or the cole slaw hurt worse the next morning.

(luckily i wasn’t too butthurt to instagram my wounds. I would have fought back, really, but my new year’s resolution was to stop head-butting people in the face.)

On Sunday, Reid, who didn’t have the best weekend himself, had the brilliant idea to go get tattoos and bar food as therapy. Since, as you know, I hate to struggle with meaning, I also hate tattoos that have stupid emotional stories behind them. So I got the thing that felt most relevant to my life, ate a plate of potato skins and called it a week.

And that, my good friends, is all I can really say.