one man’s trash is another man’s tv

Good evening, everyone. I’ve had a pretty excellent weekend so far, but somehow (and don’t say the three bottles of pink champagne or the Pall Malls I bummed on Friday) I am sick again. I’ve lost a little sleep since I’ve been transitioning back into “being kind of responsible.” I’ve got the sneezes, one of those tragic rattling coughs that is disgusting just to hear, and only one functioning eardrum. But it’s raining, it’s Sunday, and there’s nothing I would rather do than sit around in this stupid Harley Davidson t-shirt and talk to Queen Reid who is “studying” abroad in London.  I’m going to present our latest work as my post for the day.

REALITY DUMPSTERVISION: A COMPREHENSIVE LIST

BY REID KUTROW AND KAT ST. KAT

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KOURTNEY AND KIM TAKE A DUMPSTER
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF A DUMPSTER
A SHOT AT A DUMPSTER WITH TILA TEQUILA
DUMPSTER OF LOVE
I LOVE THE DUMPSTER STRIKES BACK
THE REAL WORLD: DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER SWAP
THE CROCODILE DUMPSTER
TRADING DUMPSTERS
SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION DUMPSTER
WHAT NOT TO WEAR IN A DUMPSTER
HOW DO I LOOK IN A DUMPSTER
EXTREME MAKEOVER: DUMPSTER EDITION
TRUE LIFE: I’M IN A DUMPSTER
WHO WANTS TO BE IN A DUMPSTER
MADE: I WANNA BE IN A DUMPSTER
DATE MY DUMPSTER
DOG THE DUMPSTER HUNTER
INTERVENTION: ADDICTED TO DUMPSTERS
CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DUMPSTER
CELEBRITY DUMPSTER CLUB
THE BAD GIRLS’ DUMPSTER
PROJECT DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER ACADEMY
JANICE DICKINSON MODELING DUMPSTER
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER LIFE
DUMPSTER KNOWS BEST
MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS DUMPSTER
DUMPSTERZILLAS
GENE SIMMONS: FAMILY DUMPSTER
ICE AND DUMPSTER
RUN’S DUMPSTER
SO YA THINK YOU’RE A DUMPSTER
DUMPSTERS WITH THE STARS
MY SUPER DUMPSTER 16
KIMORA: LIFE IN A DUMPSTER
CANDID DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER’D
DUMPSTER PREP
DUMPSTER IDOL
DUMPSTERS AND TIARAS
AMERICA’S GOT DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTER DIARIES
DUMPSTER CHEF
MAKING THE DUMPSTER
I WANNA WORK FOR A DUMPSTER
AMERICA’S BEST DUMPSTER CREW
I WANT A FAMOUS DUMPSTER
MTV’S DUMPSTER DIARY
17 DUMPSTERS AND COUNTING
JON AND KATE PLUS 8 DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTER WHISPERER
DUMPSTER MANOR
ROB DYRDEK’S DUMPSTER FACTORY
D.U.M.P.S.T.E.R.S
DUMPSTER BEACH
DUMPSTERS ON ICE
DEADLIEST DUMPSTER
ICE ROAD DUMPSTERS
DUMPSTER INK
DUMPSTER SHORE
DUMPSTER OR NO DUMPSTER
TEEN DUMPSTER
TRUTH OR DUMPSTER
WHOSE DUMPSTER IS IT ANYWAY
MEET THE DUMPSTERS
THE SURREAL DUMPSTER
THE ANNA NICOLE DUMPSTER
TEMPTATION DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTERS NEXT DOOR
DUMPSTER CAMP
DINNERS, DRIVE-INS AND DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTERETTE
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
DUMPSTER 911
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO DUMPSTERS
QUEER EYE FOR THE DUMPSTER GUY
DUMPSTER BOSS
IRON DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER WARS
ACE OF DUMPSTERS
DUMPSTER 90210
FOR THE LOVE OF A DUMPSTER
LOCKED UP: IN A DUMPSTER
TO CATCH A DUMPSTER
PIMP MY DUMPSTER
SAY YES TO THE DUMPSTER
ELIMIDUMPSTER
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A DUMPSTER
MYTHDUMPSTERS
JUDGE DUMPSTER
SORORITY DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER SCHOOL WITH RICKI LAKE
TABITHA’S DUMPSTER TAKEOVER
PARANORMAL DUMPSTERS
NEWLYWEDS: NICK AND A DUMPSTER
GHOST DUMPSTERERS
ROCK OF DUMPSTERS WITH BRETT MICHAELS
MY FAIR DUMPSTER
BRITNEY AND KEVIN: IN A DUMPSTER
I MARRIED A DUMPSTER
BOILING DUMPSTERS
RU PAUL’S DUMPSTER RACE
DUMPSTER WIVES
JOE DUMPSTER
THE WEAKEST DUMPSTER
LAPD: LIFE IN A DUMPSTER
NAME THAT DUMPSTER
THE AMAZING DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER IS RIGHT
LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER OF FORTUNE
DUMPSTER FEUD
DUMPSTER SQUARES
DUMPSTER TACTICS
AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME DUMPSTERS
THE BENEDUMPSTER
DUMPSTERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
BEAUTY AND THE DUMPSTER
TIL DEATH DO US DUMPSTER
FLIPPING DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER EXPERIMENT
LAST DUMPSTER STANDING
REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER LOVE’S MONEY
HELL’S DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER QUEENS
E TRUE HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER
SNAPPED: MOTHERS WHO DUMPSTER

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Admit it. Every year around the time that the leaves turn yellow and humidity’s strangle finally starts to loosen, you find yourself giddy with anticipation for the pumpkin spice lattes, the rosy cheeks and noses, all the amazing clothing items you will layer over other clothing items. You’re overcome with romance at the thought of snuggling up by the fire, kissing someone in the snow or just that feeling you get shopping for a new pair of boots. You skip joyously on those one or two days where all you need to stay warm is a denim jacket, thinking about how merry the holiday times are going to be this year. “Oh happy day! Santa is coming and he’s bringing snow!” you scream prematurely into the October air like an overzealous child in denial.

And then it happens. Without skipping a beat, the most bleak and resilient layer of stratus mother nature herself has ever begotten (it gets worse every year, I’m sure of it) collapses all your hopes and dreams, teetering instead between snow-less arctic temperatures and weather that can only be described as “fucking alright.” Thanksgiving rolls around, you gain the first five of that ten pounds you will undoubtedly accrue before New Year’s, and before you know it…the holidays are over. You had one pumpkin spice latte before you realized it was 400 calories and you burned off all your taste-buds on what you swear was not non-fat milk. You can barely afford your heating bill, let alone even dream of a working fireplace (pre-war doesn’t mean the same thing real estate-wise outside of Upper Manhattan). It’s mid-January. The last person who snuggled up to you was your cat, and that was only because your ten day New Year’s hangover turned into the full-fledged flu and the fever was keeping him warm. And even on the brightest, sunniest fluke of a 60 degree day you can’t help but know in your heart of hearts that the proverbial groundhog is giving you the proverbial finger, and there will be an ice storm in March.

So why do I do it? Why do I continue to insist that there exists a “winter wonderland” beyond Tumblr jpegs of some Norwegian girl in a poncho? I suppose it can be done. I remember being 8 and praying to god (shows what I knew) for a snow day so I could bask in the carpeted, centrally heated palace that was my suburban home. And with the right motivation and a good savings account I may have been able to spread some of those conveniences into my early twenties. But with my unfortunate inability to save a dime and what appears to be a solar-powered immune system, all this cloud cover makes me want to melt Klonopin in my cocoa.

That being said, my visit from the plague over the last couple of weeks left me with a lot of down time to handle some personal things that really matter. For example, I spent a few days contemplating my relationship with Gossip Girl’s Dan Humphrey and decided that while I do like his haircut, he is too pretentious for me. I attached studs to the back pockets of my jeans, cleaned out my computer and updated my flickr account. Oh, and I downloaded some music to help take the edge off that Seasonal Affective Self-Loathing. Enjoy dancing to this track by Newtimers. Now that I’m on antibiotics and pretending it’s April, I’ll be dancing with you.