I need to go to the gym.
I need to go to the gym because I haven’t since before I hurt my arm, and it’s been healed for over a month. I’ve been losing weight in some areas, which I’ve used to tricked myself into thinking that working out is actually what makes me bigger. This is a lie. I am just losing muscle mass. I know this.
I need to go to the gym because last night I got high and drank ciders and Reid ordered Domino’s at midnight and they have a thing called Bacon Jalapeño Cheesy Bread, which I dipped in ranch and marinara and garlic sauce, and got so full that I fell asleep face down on the couch and missed the end of Housebound, and now I have a stomach ache.
I need to go to the gym because in the last two years I have become extremely aware of any fat around my jawline and chin, to the extent that accidentally opening my selfie camera can ruin a good chunk of my day.
I need to go to the gym because when I told Alex about the fried chicken burrito I ate the other day he told me that he knows of young people who have died from heart disease. I also read an article the other day in Real Simple magazine (which I shamelessly subscribed to via a $5 Groupon as a way to manifest organization in my life) that drinking increases your risk of breast cancer. I love alcohol, boobs and not having cancer, so I need to keep my body otherwise healthy in order to have peace of mind.
I need to go to the gym because just wearing leggings and putting my hair in a ponytail makes me feel so confident and empowered to be “one of those girls” that I actually feel like a better person.
Here are just some of the things I’d rather do today than go to the gym:
1. Order Chinese food from the mediocre, stingy place by my apartment that only includes one duck sauce per meal
2. See how nice of a day it is outside, feel guilty about staying in, then take a nap
3. Look at pictures of the Paramus Park mall online
4. Clean each cat litter box, wait for one of the cats to poop, and clean it again
5. Get a pickle from Anthony’s Deli. This could take up the whole day
6. Watch my boyfriend watch NFL Red Zone and have one-sided conversations with him about what’s going on.
“Why do they call it Red Zone?”
“Because…………it’s only games that are in the Red Zone.”
“Is that where the stuff happens?”
7. Finally watch that recording of Back to the Future 3 that I’ve had on my DVR for 3 months (I can’t actually do this because football)
8. Clean out my fridge. By eating everything.
9. Browse through all my old magazines and decide which ones to recycle
10. Put together my Halloween costume while watching horror movies
11. Read the entire Wikipedia page about the life and work of Wes Craven
12. Listen to EDM, both ironically and unironically
13. Watch fail vids and Ru Paul’s Drag Race on Reid’s couch
14. Potentially order more of that jalapeño bacon cheesy bread, tbh
15. Look at pictures from my past and be like “dag, yo”
16. Go to Vanessa’s Dumplings and order 6 things pretending I’m taking it all home to share with a group even though I’m totally, totally not.
17. Figure out how to get that thin layer of water and soap residue out of my kitchen sink
18. Figure out a budget to afford a cleaning lady
19. Talk about the two nightmares I had last night (One: that I had a pet ferret who turned into a bleeding snake. Two: I was having a party and there was a problem with the music)
20. Clean out my makeup case by trying on every product I own and deciding which things I don’t like anymore. And perhaps discovering a lip gloss I forgot existed!
21. Lint roll the cat hair off of my Pikachu stuffed animal
22. Lay on a couch and describe tattoos I want while Hannah draws pictures of them
23. Make Photoshop art of a cat on a beach wearing a pair of Umbro shorts and drinking a mai tai
24. Do acid?
26. Paint my nails, presumably with a color I found during my makeup case cleanout sesh
27. Give my toilet bowl a deep scrub (I really like a clean house)
28. Come up with a dance routine and teach it to my friends, film it, put it on Youtube, instant viral video
31. Send these free postcards I got from the Sierra Club to people I care about
32. Oo! Planning my Christmas card!
33. Try to make a recipe using only the ingredients I have in my cupboard, fuck it up, eat it anyway, and make a huge mess
34. Netflix and Chill
35. Get a tattoo that says Netflix and Chill
36. Call the Chinese food place and find out once and for all why they are so stingy with their sauces
38. Remember that Snapchat exists, then Snapchat every 5 minutes of the day, then forget again
39. Look up how to clean an oven, then definitely not do that.
40. Watch iconic Celine Dion performances on Youtube
41. Livetweet Titanic
42. Do a thorough pass of all my social media profiles to make sure they are perfectly curated
43: Watch this video on loop http://frankenfemme.tumblr.com/post/129033519794/cubik808-willlaren-this-performance-art
44. Make a list of the best fashion montages in movies, then watch them all
45. Call my parents, which I definitely should do right now ugh why do I keep forgetting to do that??
46. Go to the dog park and look at other people’s dogs and think about how sad I am that my apartment is too small to have a dog
47. Look at Kos n Gonny and think about how no cat could ever possibly compete with their beauty and adorableness. Adorability? Kiss them 100 times.
48. Put on some uplifting music and some workout clothes and pretend I am in a pivotal transformation scene but only do dance moves that require very little physical effort, like the cabbage patch.
49. Quote the entire Sex and the City Movie from start to finish