SMH at these actual Craigslist job posts under “TV/Film/Video”

I’ve been unemployed (with a sprinkle of freelance jobs and under the table gigs here and there) for the past few months. I’ve been taking classes, working on my writing, enjoying my holidays, trying to figure out what the hell my next career move should be. Some weeks I use my free time to work out a lot. Some weeks I use it to watch tons of TV. As of last week, when I figured out I could get great Netflix quality using my iPhone’s LTE at the gym, I do both.

That’s not to say I don’t look for work. Since October, I’ve applied for countless jobs in my myriad areas of experience, sent my resume to at least fifteen New York temp agencies, and I’ve even been to several interviews. I guess I just haven’t hit one out of the park yet, which – given my current position on the couch, in my robe, wearing the UGG slippers James gave me for Christmas – doesn’t exactly bring me to tears. It may, however, bring a few to the eyes of my previous employer, whose pocket change goes into my government check every week.

Being that my degree is in Communications and much of my job experience is in TV, I usually look for gigs on Staffmeup or Mandy or Indeed or other corporate websites. I very rarely find good stuff on Craigslist, but I was browsing the TV/Film/Video section today just to be sure.

Here are some of the gems I found.

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First of all, what? I’m trying so hard right now to imagine a reality show based on tickling women with an electronic chair and watching them laugh. Wait, this company has been doing this for the last seven years? HOW HAVE I MISSED ALL THESE MINIEPISODES?? Oh right, because I never thought to Google “sexy girls laughing tickle chair” because I’m not a complete and total freak.

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Wait a minute…this DOES sound empowering. Never mind that a woman with a high-paying career is probably not looking for jobs on Craigslist and will never see this ad. I’m sure when this show finally airs it will be nothing but praise for successful, dominant career women and will in no way attempt to emasculate and humiliate the men for taking what is considered to be a more feminine and thus inferior role in the relationship! Reality TV is so advanced these days.

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This one actually seems okay, except that I haven’t hung out at a church for NO PAY since I was about 7. I may still do this for the free food.

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This is definitely an ad for Maury and I wish to god I had any of these problems because I love that show so much. If any of my family members are willing to have a PRETEND affair with my boyfriend please email me and I will call Melissa.

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Happy New years!! How much you wanna bet this wasn’t written by a model named Kelly? How much you wanna bet this doesn’t pay $1000 hourly? Who else is confused by the instructions to “listen carefully” to something that is written down? Some of these sentences aren’t even sentences! Also, what are “Stats?” Anyway, this seems like it could be a maybe lucrative call girl opportunity if you’re into that sort of thing.

In desperate times I was a lot less judicious about which trashy Craigslist ads were worth a reply. I actually “auditioned” for a modeling job like that last one back in 2012 and it didn’t exactly go well. But hey, if you’re down, all these ads were posted today. You should apply and then tell me all about it. I’ll just be up here on my high horse, aka the couch.

#FLASHBACKFRIDAY: My Seventh Grade Dressing Room

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Wow. Happy Friday – this was probably the longest most stressful week of 2015 so far, being that it was the only one that didn’t include a major holiday.

Today, we flashback to the year 2002. In seventh grade I was obsessed with teen magazines. YM, Cosmogirl, Teen Beat, Teen Vogue, j14, Seventeen…sometimes even the real Cosmopolitan which I would thumb through, wide-eyed, not understanding a single word.

“What’s a cli-TOR-is? I want one!”

Americans had a much different view of celebrity culture in the pre-social media days. While little girls still worship the stars of Pretty Little Liars or whatever show teens are watching the same way we idolized Hilary Duff back then (yes there was a time she was VERY MUCH relevant and we all cared about her – don’t deny it), I can’t help but feel like celebs have been humanized by the vehicles they now have to communicate with fans. Instagram, Twitter…it used to be that the only way we could learn about our favs was through printed and bound magazine articles that made them seem so disconnected from our normal tween boring-ass lives.

One form of listicle I remembered seeing often was the WHAT “SO-AND-SO” HAS IN HER DRESSING ROOM! variety.  Looking back this was nothing more than a very effective way of slapping a celebrity name on some random products to endorse them to impressionable kids. I still run into these crocks of shit all the time as an adult. “REESE WITHERSPOON SWEARS BY KIEHL’S!!” I mean, I’m a smart, grown, educated girl but if a celebrity told me she dodged highway traffic as her preferred form of exercise I’d probably consider it for at least a second. We’re all pretty much brainwashed, and have been our whole lives.

Since I’ve always wanted to be a writer, I’ve always kept a journal. Since I’ve also always wanted to be a celebrity, some of the things I wrote in my journal looked like this entry from May 11, 2002, written in green gel pen.

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“~What I Would have~in My DRESSING~ROOm!~

-1 case of DASANI water bottles (filled)
-1 case of Lipsmaker sponge on sparkler all flavors
– 3 things of hunny
-flinstons vitamens
-computer w/ AIM
-zyrtec
-Acuvue color contacs
-Secret sheer dry
-Baby oil & powder
-tanning oil
-Dentine Ice gum
-Qutips
-oil absorbant pads
-clean & clear foam face wash
-fruit, hehe
-pringles”

And another consumer was born. At first reading this I couldn’t help but feel sorry for my little 12-year-old self. She’d been duped by magazine ads and bullshit articles. She thought the right skincare products are what make you a woman and she wanted to be famous so she could have as many Pringles and as much lip gloss as she could ever want. It all made me so sad.

But then I remembered how good Pringles are – so I put on some lip gloss, and I went out to buy some.