Sometimes when I’m pretending to not be 100% broke I imagine what ridiculous, amazing things I would spend my invisible money on. On a good day I would describe my personal style as a combination of Ke$ha, Rihanna and Chloe Sevigny, a homeless person, an early 90’s drag queen and a Harajuku girl. What I’m saying is I try to wear a lot of leather and denim and glitter and tight stuff. IF I hadn’t gotten arrested that one time (it’s whatever) and didn’t owe more money around town than Bunny Lebowski, these are the things I would buy with my stupidly modest hourly wage.
Alexander Wang Wallie Gym Sack $595
We’ve established that I never go to the gym ever, and that’s fine. I would probably not want to get sweat all over this completely appropriately priced gem anyway. But one of my favorite things is luxury loungewear, seeing as I spend my time like 50/50 on the couch and at the club. I am still on the hunt for the best designer sweatpants if anyone has suggestions.
Jeremy Scott for Linda Farrow North America Sunglasses $315
Jeremy Scott has never missed a beat in his entire career, I’m pretty sure. Would you wear these? Probably not. Do they look stupid on this model who is obviously still exhausted from her debutante ball and spending all that money on lipgloss at Clinique this morning? Yes, absolutely. More importantly, would this make it possible for gay dudes with James Dean haircuts to do lines of cocaine off of my face in the VIP lounge? You tell me.
KTZ harness bum bag $400
To be completely honest I decided that I wanted this before I realized what it actually is. In case you can’t really tell, this is essentially a fanny pack that looks just about the perfect size to hold a pack of Parliaments or an iphone, maybe both. This seems entirely necessary for three reasons: I am always losing shit, I enjoy having two free hands so I can do drunk cartwheels and tear both my hamstrings from time to time, and I’m trying to dip my toes into the world of BDSM without having to trudge through the process of picking a safe word (we tried using “Hitler” and have yet to decide if that’s fucked).
Black Milk Moonwalker Swimsuit $90
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR HOW GOOD MY ASS LOOKS IN ONE PIECES.
Mishka Keep Watch leggings $65
When that movie Anastasia came out when we were kids I think it sucked and I hated it. But that year Burger King gave out these toys with their happy meals that were off-brand Beanie Baby versions of Anastasia characters, and one of them was just an eyeball. Why did my parents let me eat so much fast food? Times have really changed. But eyeballs are still cool and this is like, the only girl thing Mishka sells. I like them.
The Mountain green eyes cat shirt $20
Most of the time I find that the best clothes live at Opening Ceremony or at kitschy overpriced vintage stores. Other times there is an advertisement as a banner on my facebook page for a company called The Mountain, which has an entire collection of t-shirts that feature closeups of animal faces. They also have such categories as Fantasy, Dark Fantasy, the aptly named “Manimals,” and of course, the Three Wolf Moon.
Wildfox White Label fringe poncho $285
Wildfox is pretty hit or miss for me. Unlike their Couture label, which features mostly bedazzled sweatpants with terrible graphics on them, White Label is mostly stuff I would actually wear. And even though this Hey Dude applique is pretty questionable, I haven’t seen a lace/fringe combo this good since Miss Hannigan from Annie. Also I would probably buy anything modeled by someone with this hair color, so.
Jeffrey Campbell The Gil studded shoe $114
I see your creepers and your classic Mary Janes and I raise you four rows of silver toe spikes straight off the shell of Tokka (the mutant baby snapping turtle from Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze) a wooden wedge heel, and some silver leather. These shoes rule, Hi and Bye.
So do you think instead of paying my bills for the next 4 months I should just sell plasma and a kidney and buy this stuff instead? Yeah, same.
I’M GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE BALL/HOMELESS SHELTER.