Lazy Bitch Workout, part one.

I don’t know if you know this about me, or if you could have guessed, but I fucking HATE exercising. And I can honestly say that I am never genuinely motivated to do it. But every couple of weeks I’ll get a burst of manic energy or look at a picture of Beyonce’s legs and think “damn, if only I moved ever.” I start panicking about my “health” and the American Apparel riding pants I really want, and always come to the artificial conclusion that today I am going to start toning up my ass and pursuing my goal of not getting winded when walking up steps. Running is always out of the question. I hate running so much that if my life depended on it, if my speed was the only thing keeping me from getting eaten by a pack of rabid wolves, I would pour Lawry’s Seasoning Salt all over myself and say “fuck it. bon appetit.” I don’t hate the elliptical machine quite so much, mostly because I like looking at myself in the mirror at the gym, but I am also flat-ass broke. I don’t have money to spare on a membership to hell. What I do have, though, is a laptop with Google and Netflix and a bedroom where you can sometimes see the floor. So the other night I decided to try the first two workout videos I could find that didn’t involve free weights or being yelled at by a guido. The following is a review.

Jenny Ford: HI-LO cardio

If one of the speed-freak housewives from my parents’ neighborhood moved some of her furniture and made a workout video in her living room, I imagine it would look something like this. This is supposed to combine low- and high-impact moves for beginners. I can only assume this refers to me, since the only exercise I’ve gotten in the last month is trying not to fall over in 5 inch wedges after mainlining a bottle of coconut rum. While Jenny did a great job of confusing the hell out of me with her combos, I spent an awful lot of time strolling back and forth in my bedroom. Generally the only senseless lap I like to make around a room is when I’m looking for ding at a party, and even then that’s only after I’ve had my fist drink. Unless you’re a paraplegic or haven’t walked one cumulative mile in the last month I wouldn’t recommend doing this as your only workout for the day. But needless to say, I broke a sweat.

Crunch: CardioSalsa

This video, as seems to be the running trend with most of the Crunch videos on Netflix, almost doesn’t count as a workout unless you pair it with something else. But what it lacked in vigor it made up by facilitating a useful self-discovery: I look about as coordinated as a gummy worm when dancing to salsa. But hey, they have a guy with fun highlights playing the bongos and I’m pretty sure half of those extras were on the tv show Popular. Also, anything that allows me to act semi-slutty with a bun on top of my head is usually okay by me. I just wish it hadn’t taken so many sessions with my therapist to stop feeling like a dumb ass after this.

But I refuse to give up my search for the perfect in-home workout. At the moment I am lying on the couch, spooning chinese food into my face from the coffee table with one hand, so I’m a little busy. But I promise, as soon as I’m done, I will definitely consider thinking about exercising again. Eventually.

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