Happy Early Valentine’s Day, you little eager, lonely, depressed fashionistas. While I was (or wasn’t) trolling all the best style blogs for that perfect outfit to *WoW* your date on Valentine’s Day, I remembered that many of us don’t have a handsome, dapper young gent waiting to take us to the world’s nicest restaurant next Tuesday. Instead, some of us have a wonderful opportunity; that one day a year where it is perfectly acceptable to feel sorry for yourself, just like you do every other day of the year, loudly, publicly, and unabashed. With these undoubtedly exceptionally-beautiful-and-intelligent-but-misunderstood people in mind, I have designed the perfect outfit to take your pitiful self-indulgence to new and improved heights.
1. A Velour Tracksuit. I’m really not sure when these went out of style, and I never really complained when they did. It was probably around the time that every photo of Pregnant Britney doing something trampy, schizo and completely awesome also featured one of her custom velvet sweat sets. But let’s think long and hard about Britney for a minute. Maybe she had it right. She’d been unlucky in love in the past and the fame was getting to her, and by god she wanted a Big Mac. So here she came, buckin’ all the stereotypes and expectations and said “You know what, I’m gonna marry Kevin Federline, we’ll all wear tracksuits at the wedding, and I will eat a Big Mac. Every day for the next six years until I’m ready to come back on the scene and show everyone that my country ass can be chill as hell and still sell millions of records.” Maybe, just maybe this is our chance to show the world that you don’t have to be Crazy Britney to not give a fuck. To the nearest TJ Maxx!
2. A Paper Bag on Your Head. When you wake up Tuesday morning after crying yourself to sleep over the Valentine’s Facebook status that your ex posted about his new girlfriend, you will not do your hair, you will not put makeup on, you won’t even bother to wipe the Nutella and peanut butter from your soon-to-be-double chin. What’s the point? You have been strong enough to postpone your suicide for at least the next couple of hours, and that deserves the reward of complete and total disregard for your appearance. You honestly don’t even care if someone sees how you look! But you probably don’t want to be spotted in that velour tracksuit by anyone who actually knows you, so the bag will come in handy any time you absolutely must set foot outside. Which brings us to number three.
3. A Lobster Bib. Valentine’s Day may just be your hungriest day of the year. Since you’ll be waiting to buy yourself three boxes of Russell Stover’s until they go on sale Wednesday at Walgreens, treat yourself to the next best thing that anyone can: a trip to Red Lobster. Have you even heard of cheddar bay biscuits? If I am not mistaken, those bitches are bottomless and will go smashingly well with that cup of butter that comes with your seafood platter. Heart attacks for everybody!
4. A Novelty Flask. If you can get through this entire day without a thimble of cheap vodka, I applaud you. But the rest of us don’t have the conviction or wherewithal to be as boring as you. We’re going to need something potent and portable to take with us on our journey, and the only way to do that is, of course, in style. Trashy, ironic, self-deprecating, hot pink style.
5. A Cat. I am a firm believer that you need one of these every day of the year, but I understand that some of you have allergies or are not privy to the superiority of the feline species. But let’s make one thing clear; a cat will not make you feel especially loved on Valentine’s Day because it truly appreciates and loves you for you. Cat’s exist in nature to show us that true love is not unconditional. Instead, it’s something you receive as coercion for sharing your leftover shellfish. And that is beautiful.
6. A Copy of First Wives Club. This is the ultimate single bitch guide to life. While sure, they’re pushing fifty and still scheming and holding onto the past, watching Goldie Hawn scream “I AM NOT A DRUNK” while flipping her amazing hair around in a neurotic fit is nothing short of comforting.
7. Bald Eagle Bedroom Slippers. Patriotism! I’m joking, nothing is more upsetting to me than the concept of national paraphernalia. But puffy slippers are kind of a must and these are a pretty ridiculous concept I can get behind. Nothing says “I’m the shit!” like stomping around with your foot in a stuffed animal. …or is that “I’ve given up!” I can’t remember.
8. That Naked Picture of Adam Levine. This classic photo is where you will find the closest thing to ecstasy tonight, unless you take actual ecstasy which I don’t really frown upon either. I suggest dimming the lights and using your imagination to travel to a place far, far away where you can be serenaded by his buzzing falsetto to the utmost peak of pleasure. Or you can buy a vibrator, which pretty much works no matter what rock star you’re looking at.
9. A Shovel. Maybe it’s a metaphorical shovel for burying your desperation and loneliness in the back of your mind so you can go about your life empowered and unfazed. Maybe it’s a real shovel to help you dig your own grave in the parking lot of your ex-boyfriend’s apartment. We’re all searching for the tools to help us move up and move on. However you choose to do that is entirely up to your level of sanity.
The moral of the story here is, don’t put so much pressure on yourself this Valentine’s day. Aim low! I mean really, who needs a sexual partner or someone to cuddle with when you can smear lipstick all over your face in the mirror of your bedroom with a mouthful of fried calamari. I’m sure all those greedy hitched-up bitches would be jealous, I don’t care how big their Harry Winston is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go wipe away my tears while laughing hysterically.